Suicide to Saving Grace

Updated: Nov 25, 2019


“The feelings of depression, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts have consumed me for over two months. Each day gets worse and worse. I know that the devil is trying to push me to give up on life, give in to him, and let go of what God has planned for me. It takes everything I have to make it through each day without tears, fear, anger, and disappointment. I hate myself and I hate my life. I cared about nothing. There is no joy, no smiles and no fulfillment in anything.

I keep making excuses for my pain and depression. It seems so hard to turn to God. I feel like I can’t let go of this depression. I am tired. Very tired. I am at my wits end with these feelings. It consumes every aspect of my life and every second of my day. Even my dreams have become nightmares of dying. I literally long to die. I have talked to God and asked Him for death. I am so disappointed that I am alive when I awake. My desire to die is so strong it’s all I think about day and night. I cry about everything. I cry because I was crying. I scream so hard I give myself headaches.”

I had a very bad night of trying to self-medicate with alcohol, so I called a Christian family member, who invited me to attend church with them the next day. I knew this was my last chance and the only place I knew to even try to get any kind of relief.

After weeks and weeks of that feeling of wanting to die, I decided it was time to live. When it came time for church, I got dressed, kissed my husband goodbye, and told him I am going to change my life. Then I left.

It was hot that night and I was tired. I didn’t physically want to go but something pushed me every step. I arrived at the church and a feeling of panic came over me and I wanted to put the car in reverse and go back home. I fought it with everything I had. I walked into a church where the love of God was so tangible I could feel it as I walked in the door. The handshakes and greetings were almost more than I could take. I thought to myself, ‘Can these people see this hurt in my eyes? Can they tell I am a broken person searching for something because this was the end of my rope?"

“Can these people see this hurt in my eyes? Can they tell I am a broken person searching for something because this was the end of my rope?”

The service started as I sat in the back pew and every song lyric tugged at my heart. I knew I was in the right place at the right time. It wasn’t long before people began to drift to the altar as the Spirit of God began to draw people’s hearts towards Him.

I clenched the pew so hard because I didn’t want to walk to the altar. I wanted to sprint!

My family member leaned over and said, ‘Don’t let the devil win again. It is your time!’

I felt the Lord tapping my shoulder and asking me to give it all to Him.

Tears were streaming down my face as I knelt on my knees, planted my face in the altar and grabbed on to it for dear life, literally. I poured my heart out to God even though He already knew my issues and my pain. I begged Him to heal my heart and make me happy again. A lady knelt down beside me and said, ‘God hears you, he knows your tears and He is here.’

I had a vision of standing in a valley with thorn bushes, mud, and filth. My clothes were tattered and my skin filthy. I took Jesus’ hand and He pulled me up. He said, ‘Now that you took My hand, I will take you to the mountain top and we will be there together.’

I felt God that day. He let me know I didn’t have to beg Him, He had been waiting for me. I felt layers of junk and pain and anguish peeling off my skin. I literally felt depression and suicidal thoughts leave me. I had been sweating the entire time, but now I felt a cool breeze. It felt like so much junk was pouring out of me. I stood to my knees and raised my hands to heaven and began to thank God and praise Him for healing me. I knew that I would never be the same after that very moment.

“I felt God that day. He let me know I didn’t have to beg Him, He had been waiting for me.”

I walked into that church building a very sad, beaten down, depressed and broken person. I walked out with the healing that we read of in the bible. 

You hear of Jesus raising the dead. I am included in being raised from the dead now. At that moment I was renewed in the Holy Spirit and changed. I will truly never be the same and I am a living witness… LIVING, that God can instantly heal you in the blink of an eye, just as He did me.

The amazing thing about this story is that this was all real and full blown just yesterday. Yes, yesterday from the day I am sharing this with you. I am speaking as if this was weeks or months ago. No, this was literally yesterday. A little over 24 hours ago I was ready to take my life and now I will never ever doubt God’s healing power. I am a living testimony of His love and mercy. He loves me, this I truly know." ~ Grace

I pray now for all of you reading this message. If you are experiencing any type of bondage in your life, I speak the LOVE of God into your heart, the LIFE of God into your spirit, and release FREEDOM into your lives. God is bigger than anything you are going through.

Remember….. He’s waiting for you to give it to Him!

(Permission to share this story has been given by the author and has  been published for the first time today.)

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